the last week has been full of pain. but, with pain comes comfort, growth and understanding. i have found a lot of peace and closure through talking and writing about this experience. this will be a long post with lots of details.
last tuesday, january 10th i dropped wesley and madalyn off at my mom's while i went to my 16 week prenatal visit. the visit was going to be quick. i just needed to weigh in, check my temperature and blood pressure, and hear the baby's heart beat.
i was visiting the same doctor who delivered wesley and madalyn. we had really been impressed with doctor steven robison. he was always very kind, great bedside manner, and never rushed us. and another interesting tid bit is that his father is the doctor who delivered me. i felt comfortable around him.
i was laying on his table for quite awhile as he searched for the heartbeat. normally this would really alarm me. but, i felt peaceful. before this pregnancy the doctors had never had any problem finding the heart beat. it had always manifested itself quickly. but, at my 12 week appointment with this pregnancy the doctor had a difficult time finding the heart beat and sent me in for an ultrasound. i was pretty worried at this visit. but, the baby was fine. measuring at exactly where it should be. the baby was just behind the placenta so it made it difficult to find.
so, as the doctor was struggling to find the heartbeat at this appointment i reminded him of our last visit. then he told me he wasn't going to charge me for this ultra sound but really wanted to make sure the baby was alright and sent me down the hall. i was still calm. actually i was a little excited. i thought that maybe could tell me the sex of the baby and i could surprise kevin with the news.
the ultrasound tech found the baby right away. i'm not sure why i didn't notice that the baby was in a ball and not moving, or that the screen was pulsing red but no blue. the tech was very quiet and just said that she was going to take some measurements. a few moments later doctor robison popped in and asked where she found the heart beat. she whispered, "there isn't one." and that's when a little piece of me died. the room was silent, aside from my sobs. i wasn't sure how i was expected to get out of that chair...let alone go home. i was a mess.
they moved me into a different room and asked me if i wanted to call someone. i tried calling kevin but got his voice mail. at this point, i'm sure they didn't know what to do with me. i told them i wasn't going to leave through the front door. i couldn't bear to walk past all the pregnant woman looking the way i did. so, doctor robison led me to his office where i could try to call kevin again and grieve in peace. they really tried to make me comfortable with water, kleenex, holding my hand, and one offered to call kevin but i couldn't even explain how to call him on my phone. i was a mess! i wasn't screaming or howling. i just couldn't function. shock, i'm sure.
a few minutes later i tried kevin again. no answer. so i called his main office and they tracked him down for me. as soon as i heard his voice i started sobbing and was only able to mutter "we lost the baby". i couldn't even tell him where i was. he finally hung up on me and some how found me a few minutes later in doctor robison's office (kevin works at mountain view hospital which is actually attached to the building i go to for my visits...such a blessing it only took him a couple minutes.).
we visited with doctor robison for awhile and briefly discussed what would need to take place in the following days. then, we exited through the back. we spent the next couple hours in the car...grieving. there is a little bit of disconnect that takes place between a husband and wife in this situation. kevin felt sadness. but i felt sadness, loss, grief, fear, pain in my heart, and heaviness in my stomach. it's different when you are the women. he explained that this must be harder on me and didn't know how to help me or make me feel better.
we went to my parents to pick up the kids. i was thankful to have my parents so close. to feel their hugs, love, and concern.
news traveled fast (SO THANKFUL FOR FAMILIES AND CHURCH FAMILIES) and my neighbor was picking my kids up so me and kevin could be alone. kevin gave a priesthood blessing which provided the strength, courage, faith, and peace that helped me through the next 24 hrs. i was surrounded with all the support and prayers that a person could ask for that evening. visits, phone calls, and messages.
before bed that night we told the kids what was happening. madalyn and wesley are still too young to really understand. but, owen was full of questions. we told the kids that heavenly father had decided that this baby needed to come back to heaven and so his spirit was in heaven now.
i hardly slept that night. my stomach felt SO HEAVY.
the doctor was supposed to call me the next day to discuss when we felt we would be ready to deliver the baby. we decided that night that the sooner the better and as soon as he could get us in we would be there.
the following morning (wednesday, january 11th) before owen left for school we explained to him that they would be taking the baby's body out of my tummy and talked about how our spirit and body are different and when we die our spirit goes to heaven but our body stays here. owen is so full of love, compassion, and understanding. he played a big part in helping our family to grieve and talk about what was going on.
they finally admitted me in the hospital a little after 1 o'clock that afternoon. kevin met me there. they told us to plan on being there for 6-9 hours. it was very surreal walking into labor and delivery with kevin. the only other times we had ever been there was to deliver our three healthy babies. this time would be much different.
they administered the medication around 2pm. this would cause severe cramping and allow me to dilate so i could deliver the baby and placenta and would hopefully allow us to avoid a d/c. they would administer this every 6 hours until the baby was delivered. we sat in that hospital room for 6 hours without much happening. just resting, talking, reading, and playing games. they administered the medication again at 8pm and it was around this time that i finally started cramping and bleeding. they gave me some wonderful pain medication that kept me comfortable. at 2 am they checked me and decided that they didn't need to administer more medicine and that it wouldn't be long before they could get the baby out. this is when fear set in for me. i wasn't sure i could handle what was about to happen.
i delivered the baby at 2:51 am. it was a boy. i asked kevin if i would want to see the baby. he said yes. i'm glad i did. he was very small. 4 1/8 inches and 20 grams. but, seeing that little body did provide peace and closure. kevin said that it was at this time that he REALLY felt the pain of our loss. i guess it provided us both with closure. i think this is the main reason they didn't just do a d/c to begin with.
they waited until 5am to deliver the placenta. i needed to dilate more in order for this to happen. this was the most painful part. a lot of digging and a lot of pressure. around 7am they brought in an ultra sound tech. this process was very annoying and uncomfortable. but they wanted to make sure that there wasn't anything left inside. they decided there was and that a d/c would be necessary.
they came and got me around 10am for the d/c. the anesthetist told me they would be giving me a drug that would cause some amnesia and allow me to feel no pain and that is the last thing i remember. :) guess it worked. my friend told me they call this "milk of amnesia" at her nursing school. i woke up around 11:30am. the hospital presented us with a grievance box and tried to provide any memorabilia they could. a local stake from the LDS church makes these boxes and provides them to mothers in my position. what a sweet thought!
this little teddy bear is such a special gift. we just knew that the kids (especially owen) would appreciate it. it measures about 1 inch smaller than our baby did...and really gave owen (and me) something to hold and cherish.
much to my surprise my sisters (who all live in utah) had loaded up in their cars that night and drove to idaho falls so they could be with me when i was released from the hospital. what wonderful news to wake up to!
i was out of the hospital by 12:30pm and off to my mom's. i spent the next few hours there. they fed me my favorite meal (my mom's lasagna)...and i was starved. i hadn't eaten since 11am the day before. they gave me a "basket full of comfort" which had all sorts of comforting items. we played games, talked, cried, and snacked. and then they had to leave.
melissa, katie, natalie, grandma manwaring, mom, me, and emily
it wasn't until the next day that i realized how inspired that quick visit was. they allowed me to feel peace and comfort so much sooner than i could have ever asked. i am so thankful that i was able to leave that hospital feeling so empty and come to a home so full of love, comfort, and support.
the following few days were very painful. lots of tears and heartache. but, i can't even begin to list all the many people who helped us to feel love, peace, and comfort. we were fed LOTS of food, received lots of phone calls, visits, messages, flowers, service, hugs, and prayers.
i still ache to be pregnant. i can't bear to put away my maternity clothes or erase the count down i put on my calendar. but, i am starting to feel more normal. i'm starting to feel able. and i know that writing and sharing this is allowing me to heal.
so thankful!
last tuesday, january 10th i dropped wesley and madalyn off at my mom's while i went to my 16 week prenatal visit. the visit was going to be quick. i just needed to weigh in, check my temperature and blood pressure, and hear the baby's heart beat.
i was visiting the same doctor who delivered wesley and madalyn. we had really been impressed with doctor steven robison. he was always very kind, great bedside manner, and never rushed us. and another interesting tid bit is that his father is the doctor who delivered me. i felt comfortable around him.
i was laying on his table for quite awhile as he searched for the heartbeat. normally this would really alarm me. but, i felt peaceful. before this pregnancy the doctors had never had any problem finding the heart beat. it had always manifested itself quickly. but, at my 12 week appointment with this pregnancy the doctor had a difficult time finding the heart beat and sent me in for an ultrasound. i was pretty worried at this visit. but, the baby was fine. measuring at exactly where it should be. the baby was just behind the placenta so it made it difficult to find.
so, as the doctor was struggling to find the heartbeat at this appointment i reminded him of our last visit. then he told me he wasn't going to charge me for this ultra sound but really wanted to make sure the baby was alright and sent me down the hall. i was still calm. actually i was a little excited. i thought that maybe could tell me the sex of the baby and i could surprise kevin with the news.
the ultrasound tech found the baby right away. i'm not sure why i didn't notice that the baby was in a ball and not moving, or that the screen was pulsing red but no blue. the tech was very quiet and just said that she was going to take some measurements. a few moments later doctor robison popped in and asked where she found the heart beat. she whispered, "there isn't one." and that's when a little piece of me died. the room was silent, aside from my sobs. i wasn't sure how i was expected to get out of that chair...let alone go home. i was a mess.
they moved me into a different room and asked me if i wanted to call someone. i tried calling kevin but got his voice mail. at this point, i'm sure they didn't know what to do with me. i told them i wasn't going to leave through the front door. i couldn't bear to walk past all the pregnant woman looking the way i did. so, doctor robison led me to his office where i could try to call kevin again and grieve in peace. they really tried to make me comfortable with water, kleenex, holding my hand, and one offered to call kevin but i couldn't even explain how to call him on my phone. i was a mess! i wasn't screaming or howling. i just couldn't function. shock, i'm sure.
a few minutes later i tried kevin again. no answer. so i called his main office and they tracked him down for me. as soon as i heard his voice i started sobbing and was only able to mutter "we lost the baby". i couldn't even tell him where i was. he finally hung up on me and some how found me a few minutes later in doctor robison's office (kevin works at mountain view hospital which is actually attached to the building i go to for my visits...such a blessing it only took him a couple minutes.).
we visited with doctor robison for awhile and briefly discussed what would need to take place in the following days. then, we exited through the back. we spent the next couple hours in the car...grieving. there is a little bit of disconnect that takes place between a husband and wife in this situation. kevin felt sadness. but i felt sadness, loss, grief, fear, pain in my heart, and heaviness in my stomach. it's different when you are the women. he explained that this must be harder on me and didn't know how to help me or make me feel better.
we went to my parents to pick up the kids. i was thankful to have my parents so close. to feel their hugs, love, and concern.
news traveled fast (SO THANKFUL FOR FAMILIES AND CHURCH FAMILIES) and my neighbor was picking my kids up so me and kevin could be alone. kevin gave a priesthood blessing which provided the strength, courage, faith, and peace that helped me through the next 24 hrs. i was surrounded with all the support and prayers that a person could ask for that evening. visits, phone calls, and messages.
before bed that night we told the kids what was happening. madalyn and wesley are still too young to really understand. but, owen was full of questions. we told the kids that heavenly father had decided that this baby needed to come back to heaven and so his spirit was in heaven now.
i hardly slept that night. my stomach felt SO HEAVY.
the doctor was supposed to call me the next day to discuss when we felt we would be ready to deliver the baby. we decided that night that the sooner the better and as soon as he could get us in we would be there.
the following morning (wednesday, january 11th) before owen left for school we explained to him that they would be taking the baby's body out of my tummy and talked about how our spirit and body are different and when we die our spirit goes to heaven but our body stays here. owen is so full of love, compassion, and understanding. he played a big part in helping our family to grieve and talk about what was going on.
they finally admitted me in the hospital a little after 1 o'clock that afternoon. kevin met me there. they told us to plan on being there for 6-9 hours. it was very surreal walking into labor and delivery with kevin. the only other times we had ever been there was to deliver our three healthy babies. this time would be much different.
they administered the medication around 2pm. this would cause severe cramping and allow me to dilate so i could deliver the baby and placenta and would hopefully allow us to avoid a d/c. they would administer this every 6 hours until the baby was delivered. we sat in that hospital room for 6 hours without much happening. just resting, talking, reading, and playing games. they administered the medication again at 8pm and it was around this time that i finally started cramping and bleeding. they gave me some wonderful pain medication that kept me comfortable. at 2 am they checked me and decided that they didn't need to administer more medicine and that it wouldn't be long before they could get the baby out. this is when fear set in for me. i wasn't sure i could handle what was about to happen.
i delivered the baby at 2:51 am. it was a boy. i asked kevin if i would want to see the baby. he said yes. i'm glad i did. he was very small. 4 1/8 inches and 20 grams. but, seeing that little body did provide peace and closure. kevin said that it was at this time that he REALLY felt the pain of our loss. i guess it provided us both with closure. i think this is the main reason they didn't just do a d/c to begin with.
they waited until 5am to deliver the placenta. i needed to dilate more in order for this to happen. this was the most painful part. a lot of digging and a lot of pressure. around 7am they brought in an ultra sound tech. this process was very annoying and uncomfortable. but they wanted to make sure that there wasn't anything left inside. they decided there was and that a d/c would be necessary.
they came and got me around 10am for the d/c. the anesthetist told me they would be giving me a drug that would cause some amnesia and allow me to feel no pain and that is the last thing i remember. :) guess it worked. my friend told me they call this "milk of amnesia" at her nursing school. i woke up around 11:30am. the hospital presented us with a grievance box and tried to provide any memorabilia they could. a local stake from the LDS church makes these boxes and provides them to mothers in my position. what a sweet thought!
this little teddy bear is such a special gift. we just knew that the kids (especially owen) would appreciate it. it measures about 1 inch smaller than our baby did...and really gave owen (and me) something to hold and cherish.
much to my surprise my sisters (who all live in utah) had loaded up in their cars that night and drove to idaho falls so they could be with me when i was released from the hospital. what wonderful news to wake up to!
i was out of the hospital by 12:30pm and off to my mom's. i spent the next few hours there. they fed me my favorite meal (my mom's lasagna)...and i was starved. i hadn't eaten since 11am the day before. they gave me a "basket full of comfort" which had all sorts of comforting items. we played games, talked, cried, and snacked. and then they had to leave.
melissa, katie, natalie, grandma manwaring, mom, me, and emily
it wasn't until the next day that i realized how inspired that quick visit was. they allowed me to feel peace and comfort so much sooner than i could have ever asked. i am so thankful that i was able to leave that hospital feeling so empty and come to a home so full of love, comfort, and support.
the following few days were very painful. lots of tears and heartache. but, i can't even begin to list all the many people who helped us to feel love, peace, and comfort. we were fed LOTS of food, received lots of phone calls, visits, messages, flowers, service, hugs, and prayers.
i still ache to be pregnant. i can't bear to put away my maternity clothes or erase the count down i put on my calendar. but, i am starting to feel more normal. i'm starting to feel able. and i know that writing and sharing this is allowing me to heal.
so thankful!
21 comments:
You are an amazingly strong woman and a wonderful family. We are so blessed to have the comfort of the Holy Ghost, Priesthood blessings, and the knowledge the Gospel provides for us. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your sweet story. I look up to you more than you will ever know.
I was going to say the same thing. You are amazing and very loved! So thankful for Eternal Families! Let us know if you need anything!
Ok, tears are flowing now. What a beautiful post. You are a strong woman and I'm so glad that you have such a strong support group around you. What a tough ordeal. I can't even imagine. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
You are so strong. What a blessing to have such a wonderful family surrounding you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I can't imagine what it must feel like, but hope you will continue to feel loved and comforted.
My heart aches for you. You bring back such tender memories. Although I didn't go through exactly what you did, I do feel the pain of losing a child you had hoped for. I hope that the Lord is as good to you as he was to me in letting me get pregnant again so quickly. You are an amazing mother and deserve more beautiful children. If you ever need an escape, let me know.
How I wish that I was still living across the street from you so I can give you a big hug. You are simply amazing Becky! Your strength and faith have been such an inspiration to me. You have been constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I miss you like crazy. Loves.
Oh Becky, I just read this and Im full of tears for you and your family. I have searched my house for your adress and cant find it anywhere so Ill just tell you now how sorry I am for your loss. You have such an amazing attitude and you and your little kids will be in our prayes. Know that I love you and think of you often.
You are amazing. So blessed. Your words here will provide comfort for others as well. I wish 17 years ago that I had that kind of support, etc. I lost a baby at 18 weeks. It was different then. I wasn't even told what the baby was, etc. I wish I had the closure you are experiencing. I am grateful for the peace and comfort of the gospel. Sending love and hugs your way. xoxo
Oh Becky I've been praying for you, wishing I knew how to help. I'm so grateful for the support and comfort you've received. You are so amazing and strong.
I am so sorry for your loss Becky. I think that is so neat that you posted about your sweet baby and the experiences you had. You will want to have a record.
I am praying that the Spirit will comfort you in those moments that you need it most.
Thinking of you-
Michelle (Brenda's sister)
Thank you for sharing this Becky! You are amazing.
i am so sorry for everything you had to go through. thank you for sharing your story, i wanted to know every detail of what happened, but i didn't want to make you go over it again and again. thank you for being such an example of strength and spirituality. you help me to be a better person.
What a neat little momento box! Love that they did that for you. This was a beautiful post.
I am glad you wrote down your thoughts and feelings of this experience. It was very touching. You are a great example to all! I hope you continue to feel peace and comfort and know you are loved by many! Love you!
Thank you for sharing your story. What a comfort the gospel and families are! Hugs! -charles & evelyn
Becky, my heart goes out to you. It is beyond words really when loss like this happens. I hope that through time you are able to find peace. I really don't think women ever get over a loss like this, it always pulls at the heart strings. You just learn to cope and find peace with it. Thanks for sharing that, I really think it does help the healing. Plus you have an amazing support net. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Becky, this was such a beautiful post. I hope that you are continuing to feel peace and love as you heal. Love you!
The girls let me know at girls night, and I have been so concerned for your family.
Your story made me cry, and it warmed my heart to know that there is a life after this, and that we get to be reunited with the ones we love.I'm sure it brings you comfort to know that he is with our loving Father in Heaven.
Your strength and testimony are such beautiuful examples of how we should be living our lives daily! Thank you so much Becky.
I know that it probably won't be easy this next little bit, so please let me know if there is anything I can do to lighten the load?
I sure do love and miss that cute family of yours.
Sending love & hugs!
Hanna
Becky this was beautifully written, and inspiring! Such an example of a good perspective- I'm sure this wasn't easy to post, so thank you. :)
Becky, thank you for sharing this. You are such a strong, amazing person. Love to you and your family
I should have said something on here a while ago but I want you to know your still in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. we love you guys.
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