may 23rd i woke up and had a terrible feeling the day would be less than ideal. i was exactly 12 weeks pregnant and woke to some spotting. i tried to stay calm but failed miserably. i had my 12 week checkup scheduled for the next day but called and asked if i could come a day early. they were quick to get me in.
the past four months had been the longest of my life. after my first miscarriage even the thought of getting pregnant again was terrifying. all the what if's can be overwhelming. when we learned we were pregnant we were cautiously optimistic. we didn't want to get our hopes up and then have them crushed. it was obvious that we were both on guard. this pregnancy started off on an alarming note. spotting at 6 weeks and 10 weeks. i had never had any spotting during my four other pregnancies so this was scary to me. when i checked out fine at 6 weeks i decided to try to relax a little and start to believe things would be okay.
alas, when i went in for my 12 week check-up my doctor was telling me all the things he was going to check in the exam and then cut it short and sent me straight to ultra sound. this got me pretty worried. i didn't want to experience the same thing i did over a year ago in ultrasound. but, it was almost a rerun for me. a silent ultra sound tech snapping pictures and taking measurements. then the doc walking in and staring at the screen awkwardly for what seemed like FOREVER before they filled me in that this baby no longer had a heart beat. gone at 10 weeks. i sobbed. felt like a person who had been struck by lightening, TWICE. how could this happen two times in a row. the doc told me my options and we scheduled a d&c for later that day. i tried to call kevin but wasn't able to reach him so i just walked over to his office to tell him the sad news.
i tried to pull myself together before i picked my kids up from my mom's. they didn't know i was even pregnant AND it was wesley's last day of school so i wanted to try to have a smile on my face when i sent him off for a fun day.
the d&c was scheduled for 3. i was back home by about 9pm. my family and friends all pitched in tremendously over the next two days. getting my kids where they needed to be, feeding us, and keeping us entertained.
pictures from the weekend:
thankful for what we do have.
my dad and mom took the kids on an adventure the following saturday. they had a great time.
the past four months had been the longest of my life. after my first miscarriage even the thought of getting pregnant again was terrifying. all the what if's can be overwhelming. when we learned we were pregnant we were cautiously optimistic. we didn't want to get our hopes up and then have them crushed. it was obvious that we were both on guard. this pregnancy started off on an alarming note. spotting at 6 weeks and 10 weeks. i had never had any spotting during my four other pregnancies so this was scary to me. when i checked out fine at 6 weeks i decided to try to relax a little and start to believe things would be okay.
alas, when i went in for my 12 week check-up my doctor was telling me all the things he was going to check in the exam and then cut it short and sent me straight to ultra sound. this got me pretty worried. i didn't want to experience the same thing i did over a year ago in ultrasound. but, it was almost a rerun for me. a silent ultra sound tech snapping pictures and taking measurements. then the doc walking in and staring at the screen awkwardly for what seemed like FOREVER before they filled me in that this baby no longer had a heart beat. gone at 10 weeks. i sobbed. felt like a person who had been struck by lightening, TWICE. how could this happen two times in a row. the doc told me my options and we scheduled a d&c for later that day. i tried to call kevin but wasn't able to reach him so i just walked over to his office to tell him the sad news.
i tried to pull myself together before i picked my kids up from my mom's. they didn't know i was even pregnant AND it was wesley's last day of school so i wanted to try to have a smile on my face when i sent him off for a fun day.
the d&c was scheduled for 3. i was back home by about 9pm. my family and friends all pitched in tremendously over the next two days. getting my kids where they needed to be, feeding us, and keeping us entertained.
pictures from the weekend:
thankful for what we do have.
my dad and mom took the kids on an adventure the following saturday. they had a great time.
kev took the kids to toys r us to pick out their rewards for perfect report cards. and maddy picked up a jewelry set. earrings, a crown, and a ring. she looked like a MILLION bucks. lol.
the next day she INSISTED on wearing her new jewelry to church. we talked her out of the crown but she wore the rest and looked adorable.
i know it my seem silly to dedicate a post to a miscarriage. i realize many women go through this same thing every day. but, i can't bear to blog about things like perfect report cards and not mention something so painful and life changing. and, it actually helps when i put my feelings down on "paper".
an experience like this brings a lot of emotion to the surface. from gratitude to anger. but, in the end there is peace knowing that there are reasons behind everything. especially when pain and growth are involved. we walk away even more thankful for the three little ones we do have and will spend even more time making sure we do all we can to help them learn and grow and become even more fantastic.
2 comments:
You are a strong lady! Such a tough thing to go through. I am so sorry. Keep optimistic and positive. You truly are blessed to have 3 beautiful children who absolutely LOVE you! :)
even reading this a couple months later brings tears to my eyes for you. I so wish I had been closer so I could have helped you! Sending loves and hugs again! Hope all is better!
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